PPD

So apparently after talking to people who read this blog I seemed to have scared some of them! 

A while ago I posted about the "baby blues" and was talking about how on some days I didn't even feel like doing any of it etc.  Well that was just scratching the surface.  I know some people might think it's inappropriate for me to talk about it, but postpartum depression IS real and I got a taste of it.

Up until about three weeks ago I was really depressed.  And the scary thing about it is I didn't even realize it until I came out of it.  When I went to my follow-up appointment my dr. was asking me questions about how I was feeling and she asked about any depression and I started telling her how I was feeling and some of the thoughts that were going through my mind and so on.  When I finished talking my dr. and my mom (she came along to help with Korbyn) were both just kind of staring at me.  My dr. finally said "you should have really called us."  My mom told the dr. that she had no idea that I was feeling any of this because I can apparently put on a pretty good act and I hid it very well. 

The thing was is that I thought I HAD to hide it to stay sane.  I felt so disconnected from Korbyn those entire first two months.  I was thinking things like, "I don't want to take care of her," or "ugh, why did I have this baby" and I felt like she totally and completely ruined my life.  Then later I would feel immense guilt for even having thought or feel that way and I would just get even more depressed.  And the scary thing is is that if someone asked how we were doing during that time I would tell them "oh, everything is great!" but I felt like I had to let people know that we were ok and I couldn't let anyone know how I really felt, I didn't even talk to Colton about it because I was so ashamed for having those feelings.  I know it sounds so awful for someone to think that way about their baby but that's what ppd is and it's horrible.

BUT TRUST ME, WE'RE ALL GOOD NOW!  It's indescribable the way I feel about her now.  I now have this incredible bond with her and I will literally scratch someone's eyes out if they harm a hair on my baby!  But looking back on those first two months I didn't feel that way at all.  I guess we really didn't have that instant bond and connection that so many people talk about.  And that was another thing that would make me feel guilty.  I had this huge expectation before she was born that no matter how tired or hard it got I would have my baby and my baby would have me and I'll do anything for her and it'll all be rainbows and glitter!  Wrong! 

So I guess the whole point of me talking about it is first of all a little healing process for me, just getting it off my chest and out in the open.  And I also wanted to let those people know that yes, I wasn't myself for a while even though I tried to act like it and yes, life is getting a little closer to constant rainbows and glitter :)