Loss

I really debated with myself about posting this, but if I've learned anything from this blog, it's that it can be very therapeutic for me.

Our Christmas turned out a little different than expected this year.  On Christmas day we were eating lunch at my nanny and papaw's (my dad's family) and then heading over to Loranne and Doug's for the rest of the day.  Colton and I had planned on telling each family that we were pregnant with a cute little gift for both memaws and papaws to open, I wasn't sure who was more excited for Christmas morning me or Korbyn (which I'll be posting pictures later)!  Right when I woke up I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding.  I had been spotting a little with dark brown blood and knew that was normal, but this was about as heavy as my period and bright red.  I knew immediately in my gut what it meant, but we both scavenged the internet looking for explanations.  It turns out that some women just continue to bleed when they're pregnant and it could all be very normal, but most of the time it means miscarriage.

When it was time to head down to my grandparents, we decided that it was best we not tell anyone yet, just in case.  I pulled my sister-in-law aside and asked her about it (she has three kids and many brothers and sisters who all have kids) and she said that it does sound like that's what's happening and just to watch my bleeding.  So by that evening when we're at Doug and Loranne's I start to feel really bad.  I just feel weak and nauseous and cruddy and my bleeding seems to have increased and it looks like I'm starting to pass some tissue.  I step into a back bedroom and call the on-call nurse.  After talking to her she instructed me to call an ambulance immediately and to get to an ER within the hour.  I told her I'm not calling an ambulance, we're 30 minutes away from a hospital and my husband can drive me.  She didn't like that I wasn't calling an ambulance because I could start hemorrhaging or pass out and there would be nothing he could do for me.  When I got off the phone I was on the verge of tears, and by the time I got Colton and told him I was crying.  We told Loranne quickly about the situation and she offered to keep Korbyn for us while we went to the ER.

We got to the Brenham ER about 6 o'clock.  They asked me to catch a urine sample and after I brought it back (full of blood) they said they might have to catheter me because there was so much blood in it.  Thankfully they did not.  They drew my blood and then checked my cervix.  She said if it was open, it was a definite miscarriage but if it was closed that doesn't mean my body is not still in the process of miscarrying.  She checked it and said "hmmmm...well, it's not open or closed."  She explained that it was "dimpled" and that she's known women to have a dimpled cervix just from having a child, so she didn't want to go off of that.  We waited another hour for my labs and when she came back she said that my HCG levels were on target for my gestation period, but it's a very large range and again, it doesn't mean that my body still isn't in the miscarrying process.  They sent us home with a little bit of hope and put me on bed and pelvic rest and told me to contact my dr. within 2-3 days.  I called my dr. the next day and they wanted  me to get my HCG levels re-checked the following day to see which direction they were heading.  I called my dr.'s office yesterday and got the results.  My levels in the hospital were at a 328 and my level two days later was at a 52.  So she confirmed it a miscarriage for me.  I already had my first OB appointment set for the 9th, so I'm going to keep that as a follow up.

In all honesty, I had absolutely no idea that a miscarriage (even this early) could be so heart-breaking.  The moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, I already loved that baby.  When I used to hear of people having miscarriages this early I would think to myself, "well, at least it was early enough that they didn't get attached to it or anything."  Not anymore.  That was my baby, regardless of how little it was.  After I got home from getting my blood drawn on Thursday, I was going through the mail and I opened a letter from Scott & White, my insurance, and after I read "Congratulations on your pregnancy!" I lost it.  It was all the OB papers I needed to fill out before my first appointment.  I just sat on the couch and cried.

I know that many women experience this and I also know that the majority of them continue to have healthy pregnancies and babies, but right now that's my biggest fear.  What if for some reason I can't get pregnant again and I'll never be able to bear another child.  I know the chances are low, but I also thought that the chance of me ever having a miscarriage was low too.  Thankfully, I know that this was all part of God's plan.  I may not understand it, but for some reason, God knew that we weren't ready for this baby yet.  I just hope it's in his master plan to give us another beautiful baby one day.

Getting ready for Christmas

 I am SO excited for Christmas this year!  Korbyn can understand so much now and it's been really exciting for her.  She's been enjoying seeing all the Christmas lights and decorations, although we never got a chance to get lights up this year :(  Unfortunately she's absolutely terrified of Santa this year.  I can't even go near him with her, she freezes and just stares at him and says "I don't want it."  Her and daddy were setting up the manger scene while I was decorating the tree.  I've been trying to explain to her that we celebrate Christmas because we're celebrating baby Jesus' birthday.

 A tradition that my mom and dad had when I was growing up is that we went to the tree farm every year and chose our tree and cut it ourselves.  Sometimes it would take us so long to pick out a tree because we were all so opinionated.  Colton and I have started this tradition in our house as well.  This is Korbyn's third Christmas and we've gone to the tree farm every year.  This year of course she had to help.

 Her job was to carry around the piece of cardboard they give you to kneel on when you're cutting down your tree.  She would get a little distracted at times.

 We put our tree in our living room where our ceilings are a little bit taller, so we were looking for a six foot tree.  Korbyn refused to leave this tree!  She kept saying "I want this one!"  It was definitely a beautiful tree, but she must have been mistaken and thought we were needing a tree for our mansion.

 We finally decided on a Carolina fir, which we never got before but is really pretty and smells SO good.

 Here's my two photogenic cuties.

 We could have gotten a taller one, but our living room is so tiny that it would have overtaken the entire room.  Another tradition that my mom always had was to only put handmade ornaments, or ornaments that were given to us on our tree.  Yet another tradition I want to keep.  Growing up we never had store bought ornaments and it made the tree look so hodge podge and beautiful, I want our tree to be the same way.  We have a few store bought balls for filler but hopefully one day we'll have a big tree full of handmade ornaments!

I was really proud of myself this year for getting all of Korbyn's gifts last year half price and stashing them away in our closet.  Definitely helped out with the shopping :)

Thanksgiving

 I had to actually go back and look at the blog to make sure I didn't already post about Thanksgiving, I can't believe it's been that long since I've been able to post something!

 We had Thanksgiving a few days early at Doug's parents house in Warda.  They have a pond with TONS of catfish. 

 Papaw got some food so Korbyn could feed and see the fish.  Memaw helped her throw it in the water.  When you throw it in they all swarm to the top to eat it, it's really neat!

 They had a house full of family which made it so nice.  Korbyn found her a tool set and played with memaw for a long time trying to hammer in pretend nails.

 Then we had Thanksgiving at my nanny and papaw's where I of course took zero pictures, then headed off towards San Saba again.  Colton's grandparents happen to live on the drive to San Saba so we stopped by on our way to play a game of croquet and visit a little bit.  Cousin Emalynn, memaw and Korbyn were trying to feed the huge rooster on the other side of the fence!  Then we headed back on the road with some yummy leftovers :)

Shy

 Now that Korbyn is getting older, her personality is really starting to come out.  She is extremely shy!  Which I guess doesn't surprise me, Colton and myself are pretty reserved unless we're really close to somebody.  She enjoys playing with other kids every chance she gets and plays with them well, but she also has no problem playing by herself.

 A couple of weekends ago Korbyn and I (Colton was at a fishing tournament) made the trip to Magnolia to visit my friend Yvonne for her birthday.  Her son and Korbyn are three months apart and she's due with her second, a little girl, in February!

 I think this is the first time she's eaten ribs before, but she ate them like a pro!  She sucked every ounce of meat off the bone.

I notice her shyness comes out with adults more, but once she warms up to you, she's your best friend.  Last night we went out to eat with a bunch of our friends and Korbyn, Cutter, and Brylee were the only kids, including baby Shelby which is Brylee's little sister.  They played really well together.  We were such a large group that they put us in a separate room that they usually use for parties, so when the kids got restless and wanted to run around we didn't stop them.  Our waiter was playing along with them and stuck his arms out wide and acted like he was chasing them...the next thing I know I see Korbyn running towards me screaming!  She was bawling!  The waiter had scared her so bad that she didn't leave my lap for the rest of the evening.  He felt so bad.  When we were paying he even came back up to her and tried to talk to her but she just buried her head in my shoulder and completely ignored him.

She's also becoming super attached to me.  I know a lot of it has to do with her age and eventually she'll grow out of it, I just never imagined she would be the shy one :)