Loss

I really debated with myself about posting this, but if I've learned anything from this blog, it's that it can be very therapeutic for me.

Our Christmas turned out a little different than expected this year.  On Christmas day we were eating lunch at my nanny and papaw's (my dad's family) and then heading over to Loranne and Doug's for the rest of the day.  Colton and I had planned on telling each family that we were pregnant with a cute little gift for both memaws and papaws to open, I wasn't sure who was more excited for Christmas morning me or Korbyn (which I'll be posting pictures later)!  Right when I woke up I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding.  I had been spotting a little with dark brown blood and knew that was normal, but this was about as heavy as my period and bright red.  I knew immediately in my gut what it meant, but we both scavenged the internet looking for explanations.  It turns out that some women just continue to bleed when they're pregnant and it could all be very normal, but most of the time it means miscarriage.

When it was time to head down to my grandparents, we decided that it was best we not tell anyone yet, just in case.  I pulled my sister-in-law aside and asked her about it (she has three kids and many brothers and sisters who all have kids) and she said that it does sound like that's what's happening and just to watch my bleeding.  So by that evening when we're at Doug and Loranne's I start to feel really bad.  I just feel weak and nauseous and cruddy and my bleeding seems to have increased and it looks like I'm starting to pass some tissue.  I step into a back bedroom and call the on-call nurse.  After talking to her she instructed me to call an ambulance immediately and to get to an ER within the hour.  I told her I'm not calling an ambulance, we're 30 minutes away from a hospital and my husband can drive me.  She didn't like that I wasn't calling an ambulance because I could start hemorrhaging or pass out and there would be nothing he could do for me.  When I got off the phone I was on the verge of tears, and by the time I got Colton and told him I was crying.  We told Loranne quickly about the situation and she offered to keep Korbyn for us while we went to the ER.

We got to the Brenham ER about 6 o'clock.  They asked me to catch a urine sample and after I brought it back (full of blood) they said they might have to catheter me because there was so much blood in it.  Thankfully they did not.  They drew my blood and then checked my cervix.  She said if it was open, it was a definite miscarriage but if it was closed that doesn't mean my body is not still in the process of miscarrying.  She checked it and said "hmmmm...well, it's not open or closed."  She explained that it was "dimpled" and that she's known women to have a dimpled cervix just from having a child, so she didn't want to go off of that.  We waited another hour for my labs and when she came back she said that my HCG levels were on target for my gestation period, but it's a very large range and again, it doesn't mean that my body still isn't in the miscarrying process.  They sent us home with a little bit of hope and put me on bed and pelvic rest and told me to contact my dr. within 2-3 days.  I called my dr. the next day and they wanted  me to get my HCG levels re-checked the following day to see which direction they were heading.  I called my dr.'s office yesterday and got the results.  My levels in the hospital were at a 328 and my level two days later was at a 52.  So she confirmed it a miscarriage for me.  I already had my first OB appointment set for the 9th, so I'm going to keep that as a follow up.

In all honesty, I had absolutely no idea that a miscarriage (even this early) could be so heart-breaking.  The moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, I already loved that baby.  When I used to hear of people having miscarriages this early I would think to myself, "well, at least it was early enough that they didn't get attached to it or anything."  Not anymore.  That was my baby, regardless of how little it was.  After I got home from getting my blood drawn on Thursday, I was going through the mail and I opened a letter from Scott & White, my insurance, and after I read "Congratulations on your pregnancy!" I lost it.  It was all the OB papers I needed to fill out before my first appointment.  I just sat on the couch and cried.

I know that many women experience this and I also know that the majority of them continue to have healthy pregnancies and babies, but right now that's my biggest fear.  What if for some reason I can't get pregnant again and I'll never be able to bear another child.  I know the chances are low, but I also thought that the chance of me ever having a miscarriage was low too.  Thankfully, I know that this was all part of God's plan.  I may not understand it, but for some reason, God knew that we weren't ready for this baby yet.  I just hope it's in his master plan to give us another beautiful baby one day.